One day at work, I lifted a small swamp cooler to carry to the front building. As I lifted my back let go, I knew I had really done it this time. Standing there did not hurt, It was going to be the moment I had to try and sit it down. At work I generally am alone (seems to be my path) so no one to call for help. I carried the cooler to the front building and carefully sat it down and it hurt a lot. Anyone who knows "real" back pain knows true pain. My back has been injured for a long time, I for decades now have suffered constant never ending pain. When it lets go though it is pain that is unbearable. I can hardly stand and when I do get stood up, I am crooked, ugly crooked. Sometimes it last days, others weeks. This time a month.
Being stuck on my couch for a month laying down, no work, no nothing and here is a part that I will not speak of, for it hurts my heart. It involves those I think should of helped me, or maybe just a bit more compassion. But this also is the Truth and I deserved none, this battle of self, this battle to not see myself, runs deeper than I honestly believe few have ever seen as I have lived it, know it and goes to what I will write of later on of being outside of myself literally. I have to mention that it is very hard to not digress. It actually is maddening to me at times fighting the desire to go off on all the paths this testimony I have been given. It brings me to tears sometimes, for I am desperate to relate what I was given, lived, heard, saw, know and equal of it I have not found. For to whom much is given, much is required. So as I lay on my couch for a month needless to say one has much time to think about things. I had been a very angry person in life. I blamed everyone for everything, not wanting to go into all the horrors of my life, I will do my best to not do so. At work I cursed a lot yelled a lot and by the grace of God (who I did not know yet) my boss put up with me. While there was cause and I did genuinely care, it made me what some would call passionate. As I now see it, a jerk who need to seriously change. Laying there on my couch I was going over this and it was now close to a month of doing so, I was examining myself and trying to understand what was wrong with me. I have for a long time wanted out of this world and this gets into things that matter not so much now. Yet are all the reasons I found myself where I did (do not digress!). It was now like some ritual in my life to go over all my mistakes and all the things others did to me and I had done to others and I guess day dream about if I had done this or that. It always ended with lots of self hate, the unhealthy kind and yes there is a healthy kind. I would usually end it with a prayer to a God I did not yet know, understand, believe in truly. I never wanted to be forgiven for all the evil I had brought into the world. I am not here to confess all my evils, the Lord and I have gone through that. I did not, do not deserve forgiveness, and I had carried so much for so long and I was tired, wore out, sick of the repetition of going over it and over it. Nothing every changed, it always ended with "do not forgive me". Doing the same thing for the umpteen time in my life, the very important part happened. This is the beginning of the greatest moments of my life. 1. I heard a knock, it was a knock upon my heart, I did not know it at that very moment. As I lay there "seeking" trying to understand why I had to keep being tormented with recalling it all and unleashing it on people who did not for one second deserve to be treated like I treated them. I voice, not an actual spoken voice, a voice inside me told me to get up, when I had not done so in a month now and go write down every thought that comes to mind on facebook. I had not been on it, I think for maybe two years, had no love of it, no real need of it, fake people sharing fake happiness. So self absorbed that it was sickening to me, selfies and I ate here and all that stuff, because what I thought was important was more important! LOL... Yet I sat down at the desk and turned on the computer, I wrote what I was about to do, even though I knew as I wrote that it would be quickly lost in the many post to follow it. Pushed down and no one was going to take the time to scroll down and read what I began with. The mind thinking things much faster than I could ever type, I tried to my best to type out what was in me. This is the funny part to me, my "friends" who were on face book who listened to my political post, my hate of government and the endless lies of Waco, Oklahoma City bombing, 911 and the many many lies to follow, fake wars, fake news, fake to the core. They had no problem with that guy, nor the drug dealer, the down right awful person I was. 2. But when I became honest about what I was, and wrote of it, being as real as one can be and not that fake nonsense all know so well. People began to unfriend me, not simply ignore my post, unfollow me so I could not even tell if they had done so, but unfriending me was clear as my numbers dropped. I really did not expect that, so I posted "if they would tell me what offended them so much that they now were going to unfriend me to please tell me what it was that crossed the line?" I really wanted to know, needed to know, this was a literal once in a moment in life moment. They did not know it, but I was really "seeking" to understand, to come to know something in a way I had never yet known. None responded, but a couple of friends did reply to a few things and I believe maybe heard my plea and was trying to help me. But it was not what I wanted, needed to hear, I need "cold Truth" not a respecter of my feelings, but slap me in the face Truth, no matter how much it was going to hurt. I was giving it to myself by sharing things I would never of shared ever before (the cold Truth). To allow others to see deep inside ones self is very scary, no one needs this explained. The more I wrote and heard myself out loud, and knew other could also see and hear, I began to see how truly ugly I was. Filthy, obscene, dirty, perverted, coward, unkind, unforgiving, liar, fake, selfish, raping, murdering, fornicating, cheating, adulterers, lusting, prideful, covetesnous, thief, ungodly, unworthy, unrighteous, self righteous, finger pointing, blaming, accusing, back stabbing, rotten thing I was. This is the reason I believe people unfriended me, because they could see this Truth in them selves. And I learned I did not like to hear the Truth, none of us like it, we despise it, hate it can not deal with it. We love liars, and condemn them that tell the Truth. We love the bad boys, and them that do good with mock and scorn. For the world truly loves it's own, and I could easily start preaching right here, the real "Truth" of the Lord Jesus Christ, but not yet. It was becoming very clear to me I was awful, I did not accept that I was the reason for all my ills, my pains. I realized in a way I had never ever been allowed to see, it was all my fault, not my dads for being very mean, abusive, hurting me, not those who stole from me, lied about me, bear false against me, arrested me, took from me and all those things. Were their actions wrong? Yes, but that is theirs, they have to carry theirs. Me making excuses to be the piece of crap I was, was a lie so I could never stop hating, blaming and come to the Truth. It made it easy to continue to do evil, to steal, to lie and cheat. To disrespect my wife, my friends even when they themselves did not think it so, yet it was. That funny part, they felt more disrespected when I shared the Truth, and not when I lied. 3. So I began to apologize, to really for the first time want to change, to become someone else. How though? How could I find something I had no idea of what I was looking for? I began to think about spiritual things, any, it mattered not. I began to search the internet for anything spiritual, from any place. I also had things that I already had interest in, these being Quantum Mechanics, Cymatics, and Water Memory. Along with many other things, I read, sought out how I could change. I can not say at all, even begin to guess how long went by. A day, two, three, week, no recollection at all. Also later after it all began, I deleted all the posts I made so it destroyed some of the things that could of helped me recall the timeline. Not that important though. Could of been hours, who knows, God knows, Amen. So when I began to think of those three things I found interesting to me, I like talking about them and sharing them with others to get their opinions of it in times past. I began to really think of them and how beyond understanding they were. How could this be, and that be, how could any of this be. Like the poor lost people who believe in the big bang and evolution think, freak accident, just came about, no help from a great thing. Just gases, rocks and water and time and lo and behold all of this we all know to be! I believed it also, they crammed that filth down my throat and after many years of hearing the lies one begins to like the taste of it. I began to eat it without having it force fed me. I actually sought out the lies that are taught in this lost world. Shared them, thought myself wise even on somethings, believed other who others called wise. Thought also they are so wise, I should believe them also. T.V. said they were so heck they must be, right? If these things are true that we know of those three things I mentioned. Then certainly there had to be more, something beyond all comprehension. Slowly, my mind began to think of God! How could these thing just be? 4. They could not just be, there had to be something greater and as God entered my thoughts 5. and my heart! I somehow knew in my heart! That God was, God is and in that moment, it all began. Romans 10:9, " That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. " Acts 8:37, " And Philip said, If thou believest with all thine heart, thou mayest. And he answered and said, I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. " Them that believe in their hearts, the heart is to be well guarded, for it means so much more than words can express. Proverbs 4:23, " Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. " The newness of life, the new creature, the new man, the "new heart". Everything was about to change forever and nothing could now stop it, prevent it, no other Truth would be found, could be found. This was the greatest Truth of all. And for it unlike the lies of so many who say they know Christ, much was going to be required of me. That complete loss of self, of things, of the world. It would test my limits to stay sane, to allow no more myself to control things. It would be complete surrender to an others will. God will be done, Amen. If one reads this it gives the Truth of scripture. Seeking, confessing, forsaking, repenting, believing. There was a certain order to it all, I had no real knowledge of scripture yet. That would come months later, but I digress. 6. The Lord spoke to me. I saw a light that was greater than the sun itself, it was in me literally. "You are forgiven" these words were put in me, or were spoken in me. I heard no voice, it was in me already. Which makes me think of many things I now know. The Kingdom of God is within us. The Lord is in us, will sup with us. It is He that liveth and not I. Many things come to me so easily now, things I never knew, yet they live in me, Amen. Luke 17:21, " Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you. " I have lived many, many scriptures, LITERALLY, lived things that can not be so, yet they are and I LIE NOT BEFORE GOD, for I witness of God and He of me. My conscience bears witness through the Holy Ghost of it. I will not stand here and lie of nothing, as it was given so I give it. I add nothing, take nothing, it is not mine, it is His who gave it. I will stand boldly in the day of my Lord Christ Jesus and I will will have no shame for any of this. I am nothing, I can do nothing but by my Lord. I might add to this later, for it is worthy of saying more, Amen. I lived this scripture as true as the day is light. Revelation 3:20, " Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. " Galatians 2:20, " I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. " As the words rang through me like a sword that divides, cuts asunder, sharper than any two edged sword. To hear this in me words can not begin to do justice to them. Then my first vision, I had never had one, so I had no idea what I was having until later. It played in me, not outside before me, it was in me, forgive me I can not explain it. I have not the understanding to do so. I heard Matthew 12:36 and these words "we are the words we speak and they are of self". I can not say if a second passed or an hour, but as I the world came back into my eyes and the vision was no more I fell to the floor as dead, praising God, thanking God. I had never in all my life laid like this, spoke like this, or cried like this. I did not know I could. Face down, palms up, crying, praising, thanking, feeling more emotions all at once than I still can not reconcile it even now. I cried holy tears, truly holy tears of remorse, shame, sadness, love, forgiveness, mercy, thankfulness, love and so many, many more. It was the at the time the greatest moment in my life. I could not stop crying even now three years later. To know that God is and He saw me do what I had done, heard me speak as I spoke. It cuts through you in a way that no man can explain, describe, relate, share, give, make known, tell, sign. It is as written, the Word of God is sharper than any two edged sword. Again I lived scripture, God knows I lie not of it. Hebrews 4:12, " For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. " To live this scripture is glory to God, it is all I want to do, to give Him glory, to please Him, to share the love He gave me. To let all know the Truth of it all of scripture. The book of the Lord is absolute and there is not any other, I do not car what anyone says, thinks, believes. I know, I know in a way I can safely say very few know. There is no other other Lord but Christ Jesus, Amen. NO other Word than Gods Word, no other Way, no other Truth and certainly no other Life, Amen. I was given a new heart and this (sorry for using this word so much but for lack of a better word, I use it often) is "literal" it is not a figure of speech, an allegory, metaphor or anything like unto these. My heart became new, it was so light, like air, as if it no longer was in me, so much so for many weeks after I had to place my hand upon my chest and try and feel my heart beat to make sure it was there. I had never heard of God giving us a new heart, it would be months before I began to read out of the book of the Lord. I shared it with everyone, I wanted to shout it from the mountain tops, roof tops and proclaim the Lord every second of every day, but much was to come and great pain was going to have to be endured. I lived these scriptures literally! They are as True as the Lord Himself, Amen. Ezekiel 11:19, " And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh: " Ezekiel 18:31, " Cast away from you all your transgressions, whereby ye have transgressed; and make you a new heart and a new spirit: for why will ye die, O house of Israel? " Ezekiel 36:26, " A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. " Another great gift.. I had since the age of five walked through life condemned by my own self. I had carried this for thirty eight years, not just what I had done at five but everything in those thirty eight years. The "LOAD" was heavy, for sin comes with "great" burden and it brings many to suicide. As said, blamed, I pointed my finger and accused many for my own filth. In an instant, in a blink of an eye it was all gone. I was forgiven and I was "FREE" to forgive. It was like the gift of repentance from God Almighty. I did not do it, it was given to me. The one thing that keeps coming out of this is the absolute fact that it is not of self. It all, each and ever step is a gift from God. We can do what? Nothing but by Him. I did not knock on my heart He did, I did think of what to do examine myself, He did, I did not confess, repent, forsake by my will, it was His will in me. He led me to the Path, He is the Shepherd, I am the sheep. Romans 2:4, " Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance? " He leadeth us to repentance, nothing of ourselves but the fight to remain on the Path. 2 Timothy 2:25, " In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; " If God will perhaps, possibly "give" us repentance, once we "ACKNOWLEDGE THE TRUTH" or come to the knowledge of the Truth. This changes everything, this separates from the unsaved and the saved. The belief in one heart, for it is a heart felt understanding that God is. I have no account to charge, no one to blame. I forgive all things, no matter what they are. If we are to be forgiven we have to forgive, again it was not I, it was Christ who's will allowed me to do so. The Truth of "no man can boast" is absolute. My father whom I hated, and I mention this not to hurt my father, but because it is important. At five my father broke my arm in three places, by kicking me over and over and over. I recall it as if it were yesterday, I carried that in me for thirty eight years, I hated, I tried to forget, to forgive but it always came back to the hate. satan does not like to let go, sin is the great divide and there are many of liars out who will tell you that it can not divide us from God. Only a fool, would teach that, preach that. For sin divides us from God, period. Isaiah 59:2, " But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear. " Psalms 22:1, " My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring? " What did becoming sin for us do to my Lord Jesus Christ? Why did He yell out, "MY God, MY God, way hast thou forsaken Me? Because sin separates us from Him, and to be separated from God is a terror, a horror and if one knows what I speak they will testify to the horror of being without God in their lives. It is the worst thing, it is hell, it is an everlasting torment to be separated from the presence of the Lord. Psalms 66:18, " If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me: " To regard lawlessness... After being set free, I was shown I deserved it, for my actions even at five were worthy of the reward that I received. I had made poor choices and the reward was just. I had separated myself from my father and from the Father. I had committed and abomination and by the long patience of God, my reward took time to teach me, to show me. It was so very beautiful, for in this lies another great Truth. What one means for our harm, God turns to our good. It may not be seen for thirty eight years, but it is coming. I can now thank my father for doing what he did, for it is better to break bones than to allow you to go to hell. It is better to be taught the wages of sin. In Psalms 51 this is spoken perfectly, clearly and with Truth that God is, is in control and nothing has not reason and purpose. We may not see it, but if we wait patiently it will come. He will show us and we will delight in it. Who can delight in having their arm broken? It is a gift of God, again, I did not create this in me, He did. I can do nothing but by Him. My father is dead, I can not tell Him thank you, I can not tell I am sorry. For it was my fault, my choices led to this GREAT DIVIDE BETWEEN US, in the flesh it divided me from my father, in the spirit it divided me from God. I want to now so badly to tell my father he was right, If I could just go back and let him know I forgive, it was a beautiful lesson and I would thank him for loving me enough to teach me the wages of sin. That lesson he taught me through the Lord, cost him. I can not say what exactly, but he paid a great price for doing what needed to be done. He made many mistakes, he was a mean man at times and I can see some of his pain, but I also had some really great moments with him as well. I could share a lot more of how an act of sin at the age of five almost led me to murder, for it had filled me with so much hate. satan is something I can talk about more than most, I have been given insight of how disgusting he is. I have written of it a lot. Those who speak like fools, calling evil good, and if they never come to the Truth will meet a thing so awful, that there greatest imagination of what is the worst thing possible will not even be able to compare to the horror of being in the presence of satan/sin, pure lust and far removed from the presence of the Lord. This is still to come later. Psalms 51:1, " Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. 51:2, Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. 51:3, For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. 51:4, Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. 51:5, Behold, I was shapen in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. 51:6, Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. 51:7, Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 51:8, Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. 51:9, Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. 51:10, Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. 51:11, Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. 51:12, Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. 51:13, Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee. 51:14, Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. 51:15, O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise. 51:16, For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. 51:17, The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. 51:18, Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. 51:19, Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar. " In Psalms 51, layeth so much, I have lived this scripture and as I sit here crying and praising the Lord thy God, thanking Him for the way He has led me, taught me, I'm undone, broken, my heart contrite, it is a thing I have written over and over and over. Those who laugh now will weep, those who rejoice now will sorrow. Weep now, mourn now, I pray to be kept lowly, for it is the Spirit of my Lord. Isaiah 6:5, " Then said I, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts. " Hear Psalms and hear the Truth, I acknowledge my transgression and my sin is "ever" before me. Against Thee, Thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil "IN THY SIGHT". THAT THOU MIGHTEST BE JUSTIFIED WHEN THOU SPEAKEST, AND BE CLEAR WHEN THOU JUDGEST!!! Behold, Thou desirest "Truth" in the "inward" parts and in the hidden part Thou shalt make TO KNOW WISDOM. Indeed clean me O Lord. MAKE ME TO HEAR JOY AND GLADNESSTHE THE BONES WHICH THOU HAST BROKEN MAY REJOICE!!!. AMEN!!! Psalms 32:5, " I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the LORD; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah. " I rejoice in something I spent a life time hating, cursing, blaming, pointing, accusing, damning, stomping my feet like a spoiled brat, inventing reason to live in sin, to continue to do evil. To make excuses why I could do the evil I did. Each time it left me more empty, further divided from God, that gap just kept growing and it was killing me literally, for the wages of sin "IS" death. He blotted out my sin, did not impute me my sin, He justified me, I did not and will never again justify my sin. I pray I know more become ensnared with sin, but if I do, I do know I have a great lawyer, an advocate to help me, If I repent and turn back to Him. True godly remorse and sorrow, on my knees. He created in me a new heart, absolutely! Renewing a right spirit in me, one that hates sin and I fight the good fight of faith in Him. I love Him and I desire His will to be done and I do not go off whoring in sin. Do not mess with it, do not entertain it, keep it from my sight. Out of love I obey, I keep the Commandments of God as HE ASKED! The sacrifices of those who know the Truth are to know a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, it is the sacrifice of our lips, to confess before all men Christ is Lord and sin is not good. We must bring our bodies into submission, cease from sin, sin no more, must allow the Lord to guide us through the Holy Ghost. Do not take Thy Holy Spirit from me, restore unto me the JOY of salvation uphold me with Thy FREE Spirit. Then will I also teach transgressors Thy ways, as He has shown them to me, so I will show them, I will not add, take, or charge others for them. It is a FREE gift and freely will I share it. By His grace will I increase the Kingdom of Heaven, will I work, I work not for salvation but for out of love I work, for faith is dead without works. This is not debatable, nor is the LAW of God. Get ye hence satan, for you do not desire the things of God. Take your lies of license to sin, or can not sin because we are not under the Law and flee ye me, ye liar, ye deceiver. We can sin, we are not saved by the Law but the Law is absolute, it is written in us all for a reason, to teach us what sin is, so when we see it we can turn from it. Freed from sin not free to sin, or the filthy lie of "we can not sin, even though we sin", this is an abomination to teach others this and in the day of judgement, woe is you. My tongue sings aloud of Thy righteousness for He has delivered me from bloodguiltness. The Lord opens my mouth, did open, is opening, again not I but He, I have nothing what so ever to boast of. I, my mouth shall show forth Thy praise, for I praise Him out of the abundance of my heart, that He gave me. I am undone, broken, contrite, my lips make sacrifice unto the Lord thy God. He will do good in His own good pleasure and I will gladly wait for it. How can I bring all of this together, to show others one moment at the age of five, gave me all of this. Proved to me that God did it all for my good, for my salvation, to give me an out, when I could see none and I had chosen death over life as I was lost in my sins. I was divided by them, separated from God, I could not see Him, hear Him, dead in sin. He gives us a way to work it out, with fear and trembling do I study to show thyself approved, working out my own salvation for myself. The Holy Ghost teaches me, what I have, no man gave me, so I know no man can take it from me, yet they do try. This is the beginning, and what happened after it all started, I debate of trying to share it here " ". Many things took place in my life that few could believe, even myself and I lived them, Amen. Also it will require much in the way of recalling things that hurt. It takes a mighty toll on me, then and now. Might add more here later... 2nd... Standing at the edge if the island in my house, can not say what I was thinking or doing, when again the light lit me up from inside. I can not recall what happened, if anything, but I know it increased the level of the Holy Ghost in me, it filled me more. It was like being high, but there is no drug in all the world, that ever was, is or will be that can make one feel what I felt. Again no word can express it, ever! I fell again as dead, instantly, I did not bend over and get on my knees, I fell as dead, again praising the God Almighty, "thank You God" I said over and over, "praise God" over and over and again crying holy tears, it was beautiful, it was power, it was mighty, it was a gift from God Almighty. It was strength in weakness, it can not be understood, but it be lived. Living scripture! It is the living Word of God and that means more than one can fathom. Even them that kinda know, do not know how True it really is, the Living Word of God Almighty, Amen. 1 Corinthians 12:9, " And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." I shared it all as it happened but the more I shared with some the more I saw what was coming and I could no more stop it, but I deny the Lord and that is not an option, not for no one. I did not yet know this, that offer comes later. Inside I wanted, needed to share, to talk with anyone and I thought certain people would be the ones to help me but again scripture lived, scripture proved to be absolute. Still I had no idea that it was all written in scripture, that was still to come. Again much happens after the second event. Things that are hard to put into order for me. I might add more here later " ", time will tell... The day of my death, it was literal, I speak not of allegory, metaphor, analogy. I speak of my actual death, the one that was coming so very soon, and if I had not heard the knock and answered, I would this day be in hell, separated from the presence of the Lord, forever and ever. IT would not of been an instant moment of being consumed to nothing. It is day and night, knowing you are not in the presence of the Lord. But kept from Him by ones own will. All will know this choice, either unto life everlasting or everlasting damnation. 3rd... The event the day I died and was given a choice. Finally, or so I thought, I was going to get to talk to my wife. To get her opinion of what I was living out. I can recall asking her what she thought and in that moment I died. I can not say what happened, what my wife saw, how much time passed. Suddenly I was dead and knew it a certain as I sit here typing now. I did not see a bright light, but I heard my Lord and Savior again in me. I was given a choice to stay or go, and this is for me a thing that brings some conflict in me. For in the presence of my King, I would do anything for Him, die even, or in this case stay here. Stay here in a place I have wanted out of for a very long time. I have no problem saying, having to endure this world for longer is no pleasure to me. Doing the will of my Lord is. Seeing how people fight to remain here, the length others go to remain here defies all understanding, until one realizes they know not God and what it really is to be near Him. This is also a horror, a sad Truth, and all the more reason one must endure this place for the Lord. So I answered my Lord, "No", I will stay and do as He asked me. He told me " if I stayed I had to tell them about Him" When He said that to me, I did not need to think about it, I knew in me how important this was, it was instant, to die is gain, for me to die is to be near the Lord where I long, like I have never longed for anything, to be near Him, to feel that love, kindness, grace, mercy, strength, safety, peace, perfection, joy and all like to these. But for you, for all it is better that I stay, for you it is better I endure this place a bit longer. It really is not long, but it somehow sure seems way to long to me. I have mulled over that choice, and I pray the Lord forgives me. I know it is better for all who the Lord put before me to stay here and share this testimony He gave me, but I yearn to be with Him. I live this scripture, every day I live this, every second I live this. I wonder who can say this as I, not because I am anything, because I long for likeness, I am nothing, I think nothing of myself, I do not want anything but my Lord. I can say this with a faith, a knowing that I would love to find in another. I sought this almost instantly and it led me to a lesson, a grave error on my part. That is for later. To have another to measure with, while I have scripture and that should be enough, I had this overwhelming desire to find likeness of mind, of testimony. I have heard many, I can find bits and pieces, but I can not find absolute likeness. I wonder when others read this scripture below do they truly hear it, truly realize the sorrow I hear, that I know in these words? Philippians 1:21, " For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. 1:22, But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not. 1:23, For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better: 1:24, Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you. 1:25, And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith; 1:26, " That your rejoicing may be more abundant in Jesus Christ for me by my coming to you again. " Want a measure if you are in the world, or not of this world. If you are one who draws close with your lips, who honor Christ with ones mouth? Does death make you fear? Do you long for it? Do you long to be with the Lord because you truly know His grace, His love, His perfection and there is nothing more to satisfy you. Nothing this world can offer to bring pleasure to your soul. Do you seek to keep your life, or ready and willing to lose it for His Name sake? Are you literally trapped between that which Christ asked of you and wanting to be again with Him? This is the measure and anyone should be able to measure themselves by it. For me to live is Christ, for I have died, literally born again, made new, new wine put into a new bottle. But for me to die is gain, great gain, to be near the Lord, there is nothing greater, better for me. But this is the fruit of my labor, to "work" for Christ, to live in this flesh. I did not come to Christ by any work of mine but once I have Him, one will work. It is a given, and it is nothing one can boast of. I did not give myself this desire, this will, it is Christ who liveth in me, noting of myself, for I can do nothing but it be by Him. What will I do, I know not. I am trapped between my need to increase my Lord and my desire to be with Him. For me to live in the flesh is more needful for you and in that moment that Christ said "if you stay you must tell them of Me" I knew I wanted my family, my wife, my friends and every one to know that God is. That there is something so great, so perfect is makes all things seem like nothing. That somehow I can help others have more faith in Christ, to know without doubt He lives, that He is Lord and King and all that is written is absolute. So I said "no" I will stay. In that moment I gave my answer, made my choice, it was like the fanning of the pages of a book in my head. It was going so fast these images, I could not see but the blur of them flipping by and it was draining me in a way that I can not begin to express. I could not take anymore more and whether inward or outward I know not I said, You have to stop, I can not take anymore. Instantly it slowed (I believe there is more to that event, yet to be fully realized, as is the case for most of it) and this knowing was given me. It was like it just appeared in me. I would be surrounded by women and they all would deceive me. That I was going to be alone, that my wife, my family was going to leave me. And one of the last thing given me and the thing I cling to so much in those moments I need Him so much, "in the end it will all be alright". The last thing is " be careful for what you ask for"! Think about it, chew on that. How hard it would be to reconcile all of this, to know your family was going to leave you and it was one of the things you feared most, being alone. That you would be surrounded by women and not some but all would deceive you. How this would make me analyze ever women who spoke to me. Be careful for what I ask for, what was I going to ask for? But after it all I was going to be alright, by His grace, His love somehow I am going to make it! I either opened my eyes, or my sight returned and in front of me was my wife and I spoke what was last given me "be careful for what you ask for". I set back exhausted, so high, so drunk in the Spirit, I could not lift my legs. I felt as if I had exerted every bit of strength I had, I have never been so completely drained. I had never felt so much joy and love, and realizing I had literally died, I cried what I was told for hours. I had felt the hand of God upon my forehead, and as sat there, the residual of His hand remained there, for a long time. I kept touching my forehead where I had felt His hand had been, it was unexpressable, no words as always can share with another how it feels to have the hand of God upon you. I could tell it was His right hand, I mention this just for a detail I can recall. To me time meant nothing, I could not grasp time for a long time after, months before it came back to me a what I know is normal time. I recall my wife standing in the kitchen cooking I think, and the lights glowed like nothing I have every seen, rainbows graced every light source, it was so beautiful and I spoke of it instantly, wishing they all could see as I saw. Much, much more was still to come, I had no idea of all I would have to face, to endure. To see and hear, to suffer and be afflicted. This becomes very hard to speak of, it will take time. For I was to be tried as I lived it 40 days and nights or it sure seemed to me to be, I did not time it, it just played out inm y head, so I kept saying, tempted by the devil, offered the world and all I had to do was deny Christ, worship anything but Him. Worship anything but Christ Jesus, it was made perfectly clear to me, Icould worship myself, a book, a tree, the world, anything I wanted to be a god to me and I could have whatever I desired, it was literally offered me. Before this I saw and heard things that sounded insane, and some had no problem telling me so, but it was not I they spoke evil of and it was hard to hear, to know, to live it and I tried to make them be silent. I said be silent but pride, rebellion, disobedience made for a more hateful display by them, I was hated in their faces. The more Truth the greater the hate. To maintain while all of this took place before me, was in itself a test, a trial, it was not easy and my heart was filled with great sorrow. I cried a lot and and each time I was lifted up, as if I could have walked through walls of concrete. I felt that strong after crying, it was so beyond me, Amen. Here much could be told, for much happened to me in a very short time " ". I might add more here later for this will require many words. Here I have lived things that I find no where else. Here I suffered, here I rejoiced in my affliction, here I was mocked, laughed at, despised, called cuckoo, crazy and told to deny the Truth. Here I saw devils possessing, here birds winked and time froze, trees glowed, and the Holy Ghost spoke through me. Hear I saw the fear the devils have of the Truth, of the light, I also saw the loving smirk of deceiving many. Here I heard the Holy Ghost command evil that stood at my back. I have seen the light of God shine down from heaven and make glow the face of another. I lived things that lined up in a way that defy explanation, what was playing through the radio and what was passing by. I experienced joy in things that would of crushed me, caused me to give up, but by the Lord grace He carried it all for me. Burnt books by the Command of God and have no regret of it. Being followed by evil and a foul of the air appear thousand mile apart. Told to stand near a friend, just stand there, told to turn around and go back home. Told to go back and get the one I loved but despised me. Had dreams that can not be even now fathomed. Dreamt the future and watched it play out before my eyes and again fell to my knees praising God for it. Watch a large group worship satan before my eyes and they knew it not, saw the so called followers of Christ, so very far from Him, praising devils and giving honor with there mouths. Tempted by satan, music sang to me and things offered me. Knowing what was about to happen before it happened and saying good bye before the time had come. Told to drive across the country and told I was liar. Felt fear like a child, so scared to walk outside, hearing the wind speak fear into me it crept. Shown how satan was trying to deceive me. Heard others argue literally with the Holy Ghost. Had visions, and saw the horror of sin, how it was like a train that was about to collide into you, how my eyes would become huge and could not believe what I was seeing. How evil sin is and shocking it is to the Spirit of God. Hearing so called preachers preach and the confusion they spoke, this was a beautiful gift from God. To not have to listen to the lies of so called teachers of the Word. Knowing nothing could come before me, yet people would come to whom I would testify all that I had seen and heard. Falling as dead, the conviction of my sin, crying holy tears, feeling more emotions all at once that can not be shared with mere words. Tried for 40 days and nights and scorned for it. Walked in more pain than I have ever known, my feet had never hurt so much, my wisdom tooth, my infection, my family hating me, leaving me, ignoring me and through it all I praised God Almighty. I would bless every step I took and give glory to God. My mind was constantly filled with thoughts of God. I prayed constantly and given a heart of flesh. Heard satan speak out of others, mocking scoffing, lying and all things like to these. Heard loved ones deny the very Word of God. Had revelation constantly, and was taught things in ways I still marvel at. Bucket being dropped on my foot had purpose and a lesson lay within. Had things played back in me like movies. Told to clean my house and were to look, I found so much evil in my home, that others would call ok, good, alright, not bad. Calling evil good and good evil!!! Saw hate in those I loved and that it all had a reason. I had caused it all and was at fault for it all. Everything had a reason! Shown the importance of ones heart and that we ought to guard it with all that we can. To Seek, Repent and Sin No More. Seeing myself over my right shoulder. Realizing the spirit in me had been asleep, and feeling it awaken. Knowing my First Love. Having my prayers answered, told I was done with smoking cigarettes and pot, for I prayed to be free of them and He allowed me to be. Had my heart massaged, it was physically being touched and then shown a vision of me judging my wife, divided my house and how it was by my actions I would soon be alone. The cloud the floated and paused. The gunshot, the mirror, the whistle in my ears, the being shown my idol was a book of man and much more. I have lived all of this and more. I lie of nothing and I share because He gave it to me to do so. All of this is in no certain order just making note of them, so if I go back and feel in them blank spots I left behind. I was given authority to speak of Him, I was commanded it. I share freely what has been freely given me. All these things I would like to add hear, or up above in those quotes " " I spoke of. Maybe God willing I will get to later. 4th... After driving across the country, coming home and cleaning it, while being hated on all sides. In my guest house/ laundry room, were I spent a lot of time, I began to read the book of the Lord, it suddenly became imperative to me to do so. For it was literally quoted to me by Christ in a vision and then in a dream, no other book will ever matter more to me again. So I set in my "guest house" because that sounds better, lol. I would read and seek out the face of my Lord. A whistle suddenly appeared and it made me pay attention to whatever was going on at that moment. I will confess here this, when I spoke to others of this they mocked it, ignorantly, they spoke of things a child would know, here I am forty three and well aware of what it sounds like when ones ears would ring, or tune as some call it. I did not need to suddenly be taught this, yet this is the reception I received. Mocked like an ignorant child and when those you love treat you so poorly, so dismissively, it offends some what. But digressing I move on. The whistle I would hear kept happening over and over, it was constant, and I began to look at the clock and read those scriptures that correlated with the time, this was also met with the kind words, "how is that working for you?" It was not asked in love! What did it matter? If I was reading the book of the Lord, who cares what leads me to do so, or anyone for that matter. Seek ye out of the book of the Lord and read!!!! That is the thing to do. So I did it, and it taught me. The Holy Ghost led me through much scripture in this fashion. I would dance and sing to the Lord in my guest house and I had so much love in me, it could not be measured. It was so awesome to feel so much love all the time even when others were so unkind to me, no matter I prayed for them and blessed them and praised God Almighty. I had an energy I had never known, and even though some thought me to be using drugs, and accused me of it behind my back, while standing in front of me with sincere look of caring for what I was testifying of. It was no silly drug of this world, it was the high of the Holy Ghost, Amen. Early in the morning as I acted like a child, for that is how I look back on it. A child waiting for my Lord, in this, was, to be the greatest of all the things I have so far lived. Christ Revealed Himself in me... I often think of this and I often cry because of it. Crying because I was given it, and I cry because I do not have it to the extreme I once had it, that longing to be again filled in the Spirit of God Almighty is a strong yearning, desperate even. I do so long for it! I was standing and as I saw my shadow upon the wall, I felt Christ in me and the shadow of myself was more than I can explain. It lasted a second I believe, and I, for the first time tasted perfection, true understanding of what it is like to KNOW NO SIN. To be absolutely free of it, all I knew was everything good. Perfect peace, perfect love, perfect joy, perfect perfection it was and is the single greatest thing I have known. It was Christ in me and to have that taken from me does more than crush me, it afflicts me, I suffer for it, I long for it and mourn in this house, for I know of the house that awaits me. I want to move, to leave this place and again it falls to scripture. God and myself are the only true measures of what I have lived. Caught in between to Truths, the will of my Lord for me to work, the fruit of my flesh and the desire I have to be with Him, to die is absolutely gain. I know not what I choose, even though here I know it is better for whomever the Lord puts before me to give testimony to them. To share this that I carry for my Lord, this testimony He handed to me to carry. His burden truly is light, and unlike the burden of sin that bears down always, adding more weight with each sin committed, the Lords burden if a joy. I smiled like I have never smiled in that moment, God be praised it was bliss, bliss is real. Then the horror was given me, shown me. I can not say for sure, but five maybe ten seconds later after having the Lord reveal Himself in me, I was given another vision. An open vision, eyes wide open filled with the perfect love of Christ. An image put before me of satan and in the same speed of having no evil in me, it was robbed from me, stolen, literally sucked out of me and I could feel it, it lasted but a second, it was the LONGEST second of my life and the worst moment of all my life. I was shown the evil of evil, what it was, that it was pure lust and there is NOT ONE GOOD THING IN IT, no light, the darkest of dark. I have wrote of this over and over and over, it is awful, disgusting and them that speak so ignorantly of a "party in hell", or kindly of satan, of evil, will pay a price they will regret for ALL eternity. For it is not an instant, hell is forever and to be cast out in to outer darkness forever out of the presence of the Lord will be a torment I pray none come to know as I was shown it. There will be no party in hell, there will be "WEEPING AND GNASHING OF TEETH", no one will ever know peace, or love, or kindness, or forgiveness or anything like to these. I will not share the image here. satan was blacker than black, darker than dark, there was not any light in him and he was unforgiving, uncaring, unloving, unkind, pure hate, pure filth, a perfect lust that haunts me to this day. I was beside myself, how, why could this be? I was just given the greatest gift of all and as quick as I had received it, it was taken from me. I could literally feel the evil suck the good out of me, it was literal in every meaning of the word literal. It was a shock to my spirit within, it was a fright to the absolute degree of the word fright, I could feel the fear in the spirit that dwells in me, it understood more than I the god awfulness of evil. It shocked me, and I could not of bear it, and it makes me cry now, for some are going to choose this path, God Forbid. Some are going to feel this evil that can not be measured, it was and is the absolute opposite of Christ. I know what I speak and I lie not! Do not call good, evil. Do not call evil, good. Do not mess with sin, do not entertain it for a single moment. You will know in the day of judgement, if you hear the words "I know ye not, ye worker of iniquity/lawlessness" You will know you chose this evil, and you will wail, you will gnash your teeth, there will be weeping and it will be awful in ways one can not express. I do wish those that lie about hell were right, that it will be instant, not forever, just a flash, yet it is not true! It is forever, kept from the presence of the Lord and it will be because you chose to be. Read Psalms 51:4, this will be absolute in the day of the Lord. It will be "clear" when the Lord thy God judgest thee. Your choice, you chose it, you will not say "but", it will be done. It will be in a blink of an eye, in the twinkle of an eye. So much more would still come to me, another vision, but it is hard to bring this all together. (12-11-16, Right, Loud 7:30 as I read the above sentence.) From the get go I knew things, can't explain it, you just know. I knew the Spirit was fading in me, that it would not stay like it was. This made me pray oft, and cry out. I did not want to come down, did not want to find that old me. I was so scared that my new heart would also leave me. I constantly would check for any weight in my chest. I showered a lot for it was a good place for private prayer and noise to cover my crying. Being accused of being of the devil, when I had denied ever offer by him. So much more, where to continue?
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All That Matters Is Christ...Weeks before my death the Lord knocked upon my heart, I heard and opened the door. My life has been forever changed, a new man indeed. Me a wicked man saved by the Grace of God, no more that wicked man. Died at 43 and was given a choice to stay or go. If I stayed I had to tell of the Lord Jesus Christ and here I am. I share my walk with my Lord, my candle is lit and I pray it be a light for all to know the Lord Jesus is the Way to the Truth to have Life, Amen. Archives
October 2021
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